You are sounding so good Rusty!! I'm very proud of you!! You can do it, I know you can.
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blog o' leo
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 butterflyxo |
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Posts: 1256 (04/14/08 07:39) |
 Lisa
Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive. |
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 Leotheturtle |
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Posts: 46 (04/16/08 10:31) |
Good news! All charges dropped in my DUI case! I went today to the courthouse today to find out why I havent heard anything and my case was dropped. I assume
because I wasnt driving at the time of the arrest..Ill tell the story later. I had a horrible day yesterday, lost my cell phone and it was returned to me
today. Today was good. I still want to drink. Imagine that. I was putting up with aa so I could get chips to show the judge but now thats no longer an issue.
That isnt the reason I quit drinking though, so I shouldnt use this as a reason to start again, but man would a drink be great right now. I have mixed feelings
now. On one hand I know Im an alcoholic, on the other hand I really want to drink. I want to celebrate. One of the main reasons for staying sober is gone now,
Ive been procrastinating on calling my sponsor. I planned to last night and then lost my cell. Its not to late to now, but I hate calling people. That seems to
be what aa is all about. I dont know what to say. Im sure this sounds like Im spewing abunch of crap.
Rusty
Last Edited By: Leotheturtle
04/16/08 10:35.
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Leotheturtle |
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Posts: 47 (04/17/08 13:46) |
My head is spinning. I still want to drink, but thats nothing new. I went to the book study. The topic was step 9. I am not on step 9, I havent
even done 'work' for step 1 yet. So I tell them that I am new and not on that step. I explain how when I first wanted to get and stay sober I looked up
aa on the internet and saw the steps. I told them that they all looked fine except number 9. I told them that it scared the hell out of me. I said though that
I had been sober for 70 ays and I sit in these room and here everyone talk about how happy they are and I dont get it. Im not happy. Im pissed off and I want
to drink. I told them though if thats what I need to do, then I am willing to do it because I want to be happy. The chairperson said something that kind of
erked me. She told me that her sponsor said "if you arent on the step yet then it is none of your business." I felt kind of unwelcome like I had just
been told to shut up or something. I was just speaking on the topic given to me. I don't think she meant anything by it, I really should learn to let this
stupid little +$@# go. I am bouncing out of my skin right now. Not at her but at other +$@# I have going on right now. I wont get into any of that.. I tried
calling Jed 3 or 4 more times after the meeting and kept getting some weird message about my calling not being able to go through or something. I dont know if
I have the wrong number or what. Its the one Allan gave me. I didnt see him. Hopefully I will soon. A girl there gave me some advice on what to do for step one
which I may do tonight. Might as well I know Ill be up all night. Why did I drink coffee???
One embarrassing thing: This guy comes to talk to me after the meeting and is telling me about the young peoples meeting. At frist he asked me if I am a teenager (I just turned 27). Thats not the embarrassing part. He starts telling me about all the sober things they do like softball and rafting and whatnot and asks me what I like to do. I honestly couldnt give him an answer. I liked to drink and get high! That was my hobby. I would go to a bar and sit my as on a bar stool like an old man and drink. I enjoy bike riding alot but its not much of a group activity. I never was much of a group person. So I keep getting all these questions about what do I like to do and he was like "you mean you just sat there?" yeah %!!@*!*. Im an alcoholic. If I wasnt working Id sit my ass in a bar stool or id stay at home and drink and smoke pot. That was my hobby. It really is embarrassing . This is why I hate talking to people. Rusty
Last Edited By: Leotheturtle
04/17/08 19:11.
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Leotheturtle |
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Posts: 48 (04/19/08 03:56) |
I went to a meeting last night. Talked to Allan and got Jeds correct number. Called and got ahold of him. Talked to him for
awhile last night and we clicked alot better then Allan and I do. Hes more my age, hes abit nuts like I am, not all uptight and I could relate to what he said.
He didnt just feed me the same old rhetoric. Talking to Allan is like talking to the big book (if that makes sense). Last night after I got off the phone with
Jed I took the crash coarse in rational recovery. I liked alot of what it had to say. I may write in more detail about RR later. RR seems like a great way to
talk myself out of drinking, but it tells you not to goto AA ever. Not drinking/ using is one thing. Being happy is another. RR doesn't offer any peace of
mind, just an approach of abstinence. I called Jed in the morning and he told me to write out all the times I have felt powerless over both drinking and drugs.
He said i should do both because I have trouble with both. Hes going to get me a bigger big book, they have one you can write in, that he wants me to do work
with him in. I figured Id go for it. I dont want to just be sober I want to be happy. I want to be one of those assholes at the meeting talking about how great
everything is. I dont however want to be dependent on AA for the rest of my life. I see people who have been going to meetings for 20 some
years. It seems like a crutch, a new addiction if you will.
Rusty
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Leotheturtle |
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Posts: 49 (04/21/08 05:34) |
Jed told me to write out all the times I had felt powerless over both alcohol and drugs. Im on page 5 and still having things come to mind to write down. I dont know if i will goto a meeting tonight. There is one in half an hour but i would have to leave right now to make it and I just dont feel like it. Im tired for some reason. I will admit I felt less like drinking after I made the list. Its 4/20. I havent smoked anything. First time in years. Who would of thought?
Rusty
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butterflyxo |
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Posts: 1309 (04/21/08 08:38) |
"Who would of thought?"
I WOULD & everyone else who believes in you!!! Lisa
Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive. |
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Leotheturtle |
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Posts: 50 (04/25/08 14:04) |
Lookie what I picked up today:
80 days down... Jed gave me my chip. I was going to go over that stuff I wrote down with him but didnt yet. I went to a study meeting yesterday and to a meeting on Sunday and they didnt call on me which made me mad. Before the meeting today, getting my chip was all I could think of. I was sitting there during the meeting, after getting my chip and just sat there and thought about going home and drinking... I know, crazy right? Here I am with my new chip, sitting next my sponsor at an AA meeting and all I can think of is going home and drinking afterward. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. In the morning I had something to look forward to. After it was over, all I had was going home alone and sitting in my room. Or should I say going home to my moms house and hiding in my room. My day had peaked. So here I am sitting at this meeting after receiving the chip for my accomplishment, planing my own demise. I told myself that the only way I was going to get my life back in order was to quit all my old habits. I had to quit drinking and even the pot because I was extremely addicted and they were both holding me back and screwing me up. But here I am and everything else in my life seems to be going very slow. I have all the same issues, the same problems, the same fears, the same resentments. I feel trapped and I feel as if I am suffocating. For the past few day I have justifying a drink in my head. Just as a release. I feel as if I nothing is changing. I am still waiting for that pink cloud. I am still waiting for my life to turn around, but its just the same old crap. All my old triggers seem to be resurfacing. The void I used to fill with alcohol...or should I say..tried to fill with alcohol, is still there. Im just trapped alone in my head. I feel suffocated by my mom. I have basically lost I huge part of myself just moving back in here. My whole life has been a struggle to gain, and now regain my independence. With every passing day I feel as if I am losing more and more of it. With everyday I grow older and feel as if I should be advancing, yet I am still right here and dont know what will ever really fix my problems. Just moving out is only the tip of the iceberg. Even with everything Im working on right now and every goal I have, it wont change her or her attitude. I know I cant change her but.... it just all goes so deep and there is so much beneath the surface that I could go on forever ... tomorrow I get to goto Allstate with my mom to get my 'SR22' insurance so I can get my drivers licence back. Not looking forward to that, or anytime I have to spend with her. Anything where I need her assistance just kills me. I cant even handle my business around her. When I went to the court the other day I am talking to the lady at the window trying to find out what I need to know, and there she walks up when I am, as I am being asked a question, and butts in and starts answering for me. I got mad and told her I can talk for myself. Im still pissed about that one...its just one of soooooooooo many examples. and noone seems to get it. Its always my damn fault. I could go on...I wont... just whatever, I dont know. I really am quite sick of everything and the way everything has been going for years... basically my whole life I havent been happy. Raised in the JW cult. Didnt start dating until 18 and was so out of place and awkward by then. Used drugs to try to fit in in highschool. Started drinking heavily shortly afterward and havent stopped sense. While I had little control over just about everything else in my life, due to other controling influnces. Drinking was something I could have control over... or so I thought. Who knew the stuff is addictive??? Im still trying to gain control over my life. well rant over, kept me from drinking again.. southpark is on...yeah... Rusty
Last Edited By: Leotheturtle
04/25/08 15:32.
Edited 1 times.
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butterflyxo |
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Posts: 1378 (04/25/08 17:55) |
(((HUGS))) Rusty!!! I'm so proud that you got your chip!
Lisa
Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive. |
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Leotheturtle |
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Posts: 51 (04/27/08 10:44) |
I don't know whats worse; the pounding headache, or the feelings of remorse.
I really don't know wrong with me or why I do the things I do. I need to kick myself in the ass a couple good times perhaps. Or something, I don't know. Somethings got to change. Trying to break down this wall Ive put up around me. I seem to be my own worse enemy. Whatever the case is isn't my proudest, most shining moment. Feeling a bit stupid yet again. Rusty
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butterflyxo |
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Posts: 1462 (05/02/08 07:47) |
Hope all's well...STAY STRONG! I believe you can do it & I believe that you wanna do it!
Lisa
Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive. |
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