I've never blogged before. I did try a little bit of journaling online, but it was so wierd.
I am too outgoing for my own financial and emotional health so the last so many years has been all about hiding and isolating with only specific safe places I go to communicate.
Legal issues regarding meth addict x are a big reason. So many people don't realize how much in this country(and world) we are judged by the company we keep. I haven't done any drugs in 20+years cept nicotine and a try at pain pills for about a month-Yuk. I hate drugs but I have a heart and a mind for drug users...it's when the addict emerges that I lose the joy and I don't enjoy addicts. My x was a meth addict but he didn't act like it for a while....at least not emotionally. Meaning he didn't get callous and dead in his brain & body for about a year living(sort of living) with me. I knew about the dope a little....funny how one can know about something a "little" but the more I got to know about meth addiction, the uglier it got and the less I wanted to look.
Life is so damned hard let alone with drug addiction in the midst....I knew I was "wasting time" after a certain number of major trauma dramas and screaming matches. I was wasting my precious life having a meth addict in my life. So, I systematically began to push him away and my guy was a tough case. There was no normal "This isn't working-lets split up". By that time, he wasn't giving up what he had and he didn't know how to live on his own anywhere else and neither of us wanted to quit(not deep down). So, time after time, something bad happened from cops to county to theft to major fights until finally he was arrested. It didn't end there either. He kept fighting it and refused to get any help and just kept living on borrowed time. So, years were wasted for me as well as him.
Shyt! Everything costs SO MUCH in this world. My kid's college is raising tuition $12,000 a year. OMG!!!! That's $3 grand a quarter increase!!!! HOW? it's a buncha crap! Healthy bread is $4 a loaf!!!!! Every single thing that needs fixing around my home costs at least $1,000.00 and 3 or 4 things are going to be more. How does a person just keep doing this crap? Property taxes?!!!! Why own a home? No wonder people are f-in off their loans....they just can't eat and own a home too. And of course, gotta have a cell phone....and cable and computers and healthy cars and health insurance.....I'm freakin out!
My late husband and I had plenty of everything except time together. We saw that the more "Things" and priviledges we had, the more we had to pay and be responsible for and the more we became enslaved. He had to keep working.....but was planning to quit fishing in AK. He went up for our relief skipper whose wife was whorin around on him and he needed to stay home and try to work some thiings out. My late husband gladly went fishing for him because he wanted them to work thiings out.....so, the boat sank. Of course it was meant to be that day in time and all those men, but now I know wasting time is so stupid. oh h3ll.
I want to live in Cali near my son in college but it's too expensive to keep a house or fix it up to rent out and rent or buy in Cali. How do these people do these things? I guess usually there are 2 in a relationship and they have 2 to do the work and 2 to make the money etc. Flat out, it doesn't matter how much money a widow woman has, if she doesn't have a partner, it's pretty much a struggle all around. So, I have been thinking "simplify" and the meth addiction in my x helped force me to do that, but I don't go out, I don't do extra things, I just survive. I guess inside-in my spiritual life, I'm thriving but most of the world around me doesn't recognize that. They only see a recluse whose home is falling apart and a bunch of junk in the yard with a kid who can't get good grades for the life of him.
Of course, it doesn't matter what others think but how much of what they think is true? I have sort of dropped out of "regular worldly life". And honestly, I really don't have enough desire to do a lot of the things I used to do and if I just keep plugging away at selling off stuff I might be able to move. Gotta let go of those silly married woman with kids dreams. I take vacations alone with my kids.I don't have friends who go along and usually I don't have time when friends are going somewhere. I'm too busy just trying to stay afloat. Just stayin afloat on the outside but really kind of soaring inside. Nothing shows much on the outside to the average person. I have one neighbor who knows me well and seems to know that I'm actually a superwoman at heart. The addict x and my 2 other loves knew me and wanted what I wanted in life...but they are all gone. I don't think there is another one out there for me. I think this is it. I don't know why that makes me cry so much. Maybe cuz it's not true, maybe cuz it's so damned sad that I don't have anyone to share all that I have with. Married men all want my life...my shop, my house, my yard, the dreams I had with my loves. They want my dreams. Really, having a meth addict drug dealer as a partner/love did work pretty well for a bit. It was great when it worked but of course, it would have been too good so it had to fall apart.
I'm not sure what reason I have in life is other than to spread love. I don't think it's to play the American family dream at all. I would have been good at it for the long haul though....at least I know that in my heart. It just seems stupid to be happy with my mere surviving existence but really, I have no choice but to just get back to work and keep on keepin on. I look at my kids and just wonder.....what's it all for? They will do the same thing I did and just try to survive. At least being a Christian to me means that I do have a purpose and that's only to grab as many people I can and give em love and head on to heaven.
How in the world are the people with no jobs or money making it? Even ebay is robbing me. Everyone is out to get my money...it's wierd. I can see why monks and nuns live peaceful lives....totally. maybe i'm sposed to just drop out of the world and into a nunnery. I'm not Catholic though.....nor Bhudist. There isn't any other place for me.
I am too outgoing for my own financial and emotional health so the last so many years has been all about hiding and isolating with only specific safe places I go to communicate.
Legal issues regarding meth addict x are a big reason. So many people don't realize how much in this country(and world) we are judged by the company we keep. I haven't done any drugs in 20+years cept nicotine and a try at pain pills for about a month-Yuk. I hate drugs but I have a heart and a mind for drug users...it's when the addict emerges that I lose the joy and I don't enjoy addicts. My x was a meth addict but he didn't act like it for a while....at least not emotionally. Meaning he didn't get callous and dead in his brain & body for about a year living(sort of living) with me. I knew about the dope a little....funny how one can know about something a "little" but the more I got to know about meth addiction, the uglier it got and the less I wanted to look.
Life is so damned hard let alone with drug addiction in the midst....I knew I was "wasting time" after a certain number of major trauma dramas and screaming matches. I was wasting my precious life having a meth addict in my life. So, I systematically began to push him away and my guy was a tough case. There was no normal "This isn't working-lets split up". By that time, he wasn't giving up what he had and he didn't know how to live on his own anywhere else and neither of us wanted to quit(not deep down). So, time after time, something bad happened from cops to county to theft to major fights until finally he was arrested. It didn't end there either. He kept fighting it and refused to get any help and just kept living on borrowed time. So, years were wasted for me as well as him.
Shyt! Everything costs SO MUCH in this world. My kid's college is raising tuition $12,000 a year. OMG!!!! That's $3 grand a quarter increase!!!! HOW? it's a buncha crap! Healthy bread is $4 a loaf!!!!! Every single thing that needs fixing around my home costs at least $1,000.00 and 3 or 4 things are going to be more. How does a person just keep doing this crap? Property taxes?!!!! Why own a home? No wonder people are f-in off their loans....they just can't eat and own a home too. And of course, gotta have a cell phone....and cable and computers and healthy cars and health insurance.....I'm freakin out!
My late husband and I had plenty of everything except time together. We saw that the more "Things" and priviledges we had, the more we had to pay and be responsible for and the more we became enslaved. He had to keep working.....but was planning to quit fishing in AK. He went up for our relief skipper whose wife was whorin around on him and he needed to stay home and try to work some thiings out. My late husband gladly went fishing for him because he wanted them to work thiings out.....so, the boat sank. Of course it was meant to be that day in time and all those men, but now I know wasting time is so stupid. oh h3ll.
I want to live in Cali near my son in college but it's too expensive to keep a house or fix it up to rent out and rent or buy in Cali. How do these people do these things? I guess usually there are 2 in a relationship and they have 2 to do the work and 2 to make the money etc. Flat out, it doesn't matter how much money a widow woman has, if she doesn't have a partner, it's pretty much a struggle all around. So, I have been thinking "simplify" and the meth addiction in my x helped force me to do that, but I don't go out, I don't do extra things, I just survive. I guess inside-in my spiritual life, I'm thriving but most of the world around me doesn't recognize that. They only see a recluse whose home is falling apart and a bunch of junk in the yard with a kid who can't get good grades for the life of him.
Of course, it doesn't matter what others think but how much of what they think is true? I have sort of dropped out of "regular worldly life". And honestly, I really don't have enough desire to do a lot of the things I used to do and if I just keep plugging away at selling off stuff I might be able to move. Gotta let go of those silly married woman with kids dreams. I take vacations alone with my kids.I don't have friends who go along and usually I don't have time when friends are going somewhere. I'm too busy just trying to stay afloat. Just stayin afloat on the outside but really kind of soaring inside. Nothing shows much on the outside to the average person. I have one neighbor who knows me well and seems to know that I'm actually a superwoman at heart. The addict x and my 2 other loves knew me and wanted what I wanted in life...but they are all gone. I don't think there is another one out there for me. I think this is it. I don't know why that makes me cry so much. Maybe cuz it's not true, maybe cuz it's so damned sad that I don't have anyone to share all that I have with. Married men all want my life...my shop, my house, my yard, the dreams I had with my loves. They want my dreams. Really, having a meth addict drug dealer as a partner/love did work pretty well for a bit. It was great when it worked but of course, it would have been too good so it had to fall apart.
I'm not sure what reason I have in life is other than to spread love. I don't think it's to play the American family dream at all. I would have been good at it for the long haul though....at least I know that in my heart. It just seems stupid to be happy with my mere surviving existence but really, I have no choice but to just get back to work and keep on keepin on. I look at my kids and just wonder.....what's it all for? They will do the same thing I did and just try to survive. At least being a Christian to me means that I do have a purpose and that's only to grab as many people I can and give em love and head on to heaven.
How in the world are the people with no jobs or money making it? Even ebay is robbing me. Everyone is out to get my money...it's wierd. I can see why monks and nuns live peaceful lives....totally. maybe i'm sposed to just drop out of the world and into a nunnery. I'm not Catholic though.....nor Bhudist. There isn't any other place for me.
