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Help me please.

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Talia

Help me please.

Lead

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Posts: 1

(06/13/08 17:01)

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hi,
I don't know where to start. Some days I feel i'm crazy, stupid. My husband is an addict. I love him sooo much. I feel like I can't face all this. Where we live there are no support groups and no-one to talk to. What can I do to help him. I'm so scared something is going to happen to him. I've never loved anyone like I love him. I won't give up on him. I need some advice. How can I intervene? He's like two completely different people. We have 3 children and this is really beginning to impact our lives. Please help me.

butterflyxo

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Posts: 1897

(06/13/08 18:13)

Hello & welcome! I'm Lisa, sister to meth addict.

You are NOT crazy or stupid. You didn't cause this, you can't control this & you change it. That is VERY hard to accept, but it's the truth. When this is happening to someone that we love so dearly, we as loved ones, tend to get overwhelmed & loose all sight trying to figure out "what can I do...there has to be something I can do...I have to help them."

When in all truth, there's nothing we can do but love them. We can offer to help them get started on the path to recovery, like helping find a rehab....things like that. But that all comes under one condition & it's the one that we sometimes don't like....it's only if THEY want it, NOT us!

Sometimes pushing an addict to get help or do this or that will only push them futher away.

Has he talked about stopping & getting help?

I know exactly what you mean about him being 2 different ppl. My sister was the same way. One minute we would be getting along & then she'd be wanting to kill me. She was VERY paranoid. She thought anyone & everyone was out to get her.

Read all you can about meth...it will help you so much! It will help you to better understand your husband.

I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. I've never been in your position, so I can't imagine how hard it is. I'm glad you found us. I am so thankful that I found this place where ppl understand me & know what I'm going through. You will do the same.

Lisa

Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive.

Guene

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Posts: 9138

(06/13/08 20:17)

Moderator

Welcome Hon, I'm Bobbie. I'm sorry your going through this, I went through this with my daughter and it's hard to watch someone you love go down this path. Your not stupid hon, your just in love and lost and those two things are hard to handle, and with 3 children wow that's a lot for just one person.

Lisa is right about everything she said, this is a very hard thing to deal with, my first thought is that you need to read up on Meth, learn what it is all about, learn what happens to them and everything there is to know, education is a very important part of understanding this drug and it also gives you somewhat a better understanding what your dealing with. I'm not going to sugar coat this, it's not an easy drug to get off, and I found that you can beg and cry and try everything to help them, but they are the only ones who can help themselves. They need to know we love them, but we also need to let them know that this is not the way we want to live either. I'm going to put some links on here so you to read, also it's important for you to know your not alone, we are here to listen whenever you need us, we support each other, so please feel free to come and post whenever you need to. If you have questions please post them and we will answer them to the best of our knowledge. Love and Hugs Bobbie

"A Thoughtful act or a kind word may pass in a moment, but the warmth and care behind it stay in the heart forever." Marjoien Bastin

Guene

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Posts: 9139

(06/13/08 20:20)

Moderator

Meth Links: I'll be posting these throughout the day:

This is a good site to read: http://sfjaye.freewebspace.com/custom2.html and this http://www.metheducation.com/

Here's another: http://meth-kills.com/

"A Thoughtful act or a kind word may pass in a moment, but the warmth and care behind it stay in the heart forever." Marjoien Bastin

Last Edited By: Guene 06/13/08 20:47. Edited 2 times.

Guene

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Posts: 9142

(06/13/08 20:39)

Moderator

METH - FACT OR MYTH GAME

Instructions: Set up signs - myth or fact. Ask students to move to the side of the room that they feel is the correct answer. Ask for volunteers to share why they feel their answer is correct.

Using small amounts of meth can be safe. (myth)
You can quit using meth anytime. (myth)
A meth user is always seeking the original high. (fact)
Meth makes you lose a lot of weight. (fact)
People commit crimes in order to get meth. (fact)
Meth only hurts the user. (myth)
Meth does not cost a lot. (myth- costs to individuals and communities)
People who use meth sleep a lot. (myth)
Meth use can lead to domestic violence. (fact)
Meth is a new drug. (myth)
Meth can be made anywhere. (fact)
Meth use does not pose any environmental dangers. (myth)

"A Thoughtful act or a kind word may pass in a moment, but the warmth and care behind it stay in the heart forever." Marjoien Bastin

Guene

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Posts: 9143

(06/13/08 20:44)

Moderator

Another thing that has helped me alot is this Book, if you can buy it : Codependent No More: How to Stop Controllin...
by Melody Beattie

"A Thoughtful act or a kind word may pass in a moment, but the warmth and care behind it stay in the heart forever." Marjoien Bastin

TnSkye

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Posts: 7728

(06/13/08 23:40)

Co-Admin&Dopeless Hope Addict

Welcome, Talia. You sound just like I did when I first came here back in 2004. I had been on the meth rollercoaster with my husband before and this time I wanted to fight it and win.

I did my own intervention. I set boundaries, rules, ultimatums, tried to love him more, you name it, I did it. In the end, what I had been told was true-I couldn't fight this battle for him. I couldn't love his addiction away.

I did learn a lot about myself, my own addictions. Using baby steps, I gradually distanced myself from his addiction, physically, mentally and emotionally.

As I became whole again, my outlook changed, my goals, my dreams. My decision-making ability cleared greatly.

Some loved ones are able to hang in there with their addicts. Sometimes that works out for the best, sometimes not. This isn't a one-size-fits-all situation.

I think the key is to learn as much as you can. Bobbie gave you some great links. Information will empower you. Don't forget yourself. You have to take care of your own needs. And remember that you have no control over him, his addiction or his choices.

The 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. All you have control of is yourself.

email me at crystalrecoverycommittee@yahoo.com

Some days you're the dog some day you're the hydrant. - Unknown

butterflyxo

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Posts: 1905

(06/14/08 03:25)

Hope everything's ok...

Lisa

Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive.

Just Ol Ma

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Posts: 736

(06/14/08 22:25)

Talia, the three C's have been covered, hard as they seem they are the way to your salvation.

You can set boundaries, but those only work if you work them and if he agrees they are there...if he doesn't then you have to make those boundaries immovable walls, holding you and your's safe.

Addiction is like an internal war. Which side wins is up to the participants, although support is important...support doesn't mean fighting along side, nor fighting for...it is the supply line, the aid stations and knowing that there is something outside one's self worth fighting for...then seeing that there is also something inside too.

Addiction is kind of like slavery, a voluntary yet involuntary one...the desire for freedome isn't always strong, sometimes it isn't even realized and the slavery is accepted as right and proper.

Freedom was a gift, a birthright, one that is easily given up when one does not see it leaving little by little. The battle for the return of freedom is a private war, no one else can lay out the battle plans, no one else can enter the fight...offer only what is asked for, because the rest will be ignored and in the ignorance the battles lost.

This is your enemy as well, and it is always best to know your enemy. Learn, read, and absorb. Hear the addicted in recovery, hear those who still struggle but fight for their freedom...you have teachers waiting for you, both the addicted and those who love them.

Often you will be told things you will not want to hear, to believe...and often you will wish you had sooner than you do. But be aware there is no right way or wrong way, only the way that works for each individual.

Find your own worth and the worth of your family and strive for what that worth deserves.

Talia

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Posts: 2

(07/04/08 13:43)

Thank you all for your wonderful replys, can't tell you what they meant to me. God bless you all. Just reading them and knowing I have people to talk to has made soooo much difference.

butterflyxo

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Posts: 2171

(07/04/08 14:28)

((((((hugs))))))

Lisa

Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive.

Just Ol Ma

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Posts: 738

(07/04/08 20:36)

Talia, how are things going for you currently? Please ask your questions, learn what you can and remember you can't help him in his private battles, but you can support him when he requests it.

There is life for those who love the addicted...both before, during and after...although what the after may be remains to be seen.

Posting Goddess

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Posts: 342

(07/09/08 04:09)

Hi Talia, Just checking to see how you are doing.

butterflyxo

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Posts: 2213

(07/10/08 17:47)

How are things going with you?? Check in please...worried about ya. Don't keep it all inside..you're not alone....remember that, k!?

Lisa

Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive.

goldenyearsmom

Help me please

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Posts: 20

(07/10/08 19:51)

Talia,
You ok? Right now you are on an emotional, physical and mental rollercoaster. Stay strong and read all you can on meth. The people on this board are fantastic and can help you through bad days. I am a Mom to a daughter who started using Meth 3 years ago. I fought it and fought it and fought it.....Finally, I was such a wreck that my own health was at risk and I Let Go and Let God. Guess what? It was hard but it worked. My daughter went in for treatment last week and a big burden was lifted off my heart and soul.

The addict has to want it and pick up the tools offered to them for recovery. Keep coming back and ask questions, or just come back and vent, that helps a ton!

My prayers are with you and your family.

GoldenYearsMom (Goldie)

Talia

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Posts: 5

(07/17/08 14:50)

Thank you so much for caring enough to check on me. Can't tell you what it means. Have had a really shitty day today. (it's a 10 Lisa). Had a really wonderful weekend away with my husband. He was so caring and loving. Like he used to be all the time. On the way home he started to get funny, quiet, distant, cold and I knew he was thinking about using. Sure enough first thing Monday off he went. The day he takes it is never the problem, normally tells me how much he loves me a million times, is super attentive and of course likes to sit me down and talk to me for hours. The hell happens around the thrusday (today where I am) paranoia sets in, everything I say is wrong and starts the hugest fights, he picks me apart and finds fault with eveything. Well, this morning was like that. Started last night actually, him crying because I hadn't invited him to sit next to me while I called my brother, I can never pcik what's going to trigger it. I didn't understand why he was crying, why he was so upset, I tried to explain gently that it hadn't been intentional even though actually I knew this was the meth comedown talking. We ended up going to bed ok cuddling and holding hands, i thought everything was ok. Until this morning it started again, but this time there were no tears he was cynical, nasty, defensive, you know how it goes. Having trouble dealing with it today though. Last night on the phone my brother was actually telling me that my dads chemo therapy wasn't successful and I had to start preparing. To top it all off today's my birthday. I know that sounds pathetic but I feel so down today. I'm at my office right now but can't concentrate. Last night I spent hours trying to talk to him to reassure him even though I had my own problems to deal with. He didn't care that I'd just found out my dad was going to die. All he cared about was all the imaginary things I had done. Even when he's ok I still have trouble sleeping and lately when I do eventually get to sleep I have the worst dreams. I'm tired. I feel very alone right now and not strong at all.

butterflyxo

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Posts: 2265

(07/17/08 17:42)

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad Talia. Words just can't begin to express how sorry, but just always remember that I'm here for you any time that you need me. I lost my mom 16 years ago due to a car accident. Are you able to go & see your dad? Make his last days full of good memories if any way possible. Don't have any regrets.

I think of you often & I do wonder what your "scale" is for that day

I'm glad to hear that you & your hubby had a good weekend together. I'm sorry that you're having to go through all of this. I know it's hard, but try your best to not get overwhelmed. You've got your children & yourself to take care of. Having to deal with the thought of losing your dad & your husband pulling at the other end could very well set you off.

I don't want to sound mean or anything, I know that you love your husband..but what your dad is going through is something that you can't get back when its gone. From understanding about losing a parent, I'm just trying to say...don't let anyone keep you from your dad in these final days. Because somewhere down the road you'll regret it & you'll blame yourself for it. Don't let that happen.

I know that the addict doesn't see what's going on, it's all about him & that's it. Have you discussed any boundaries with him yet? Does he ever talk of trying to quitting?

Have you read Goldie's thread about her daughter's Intervention? Maybe that's a route you may consider.

How are your children coping with this? We don't have to keep acting like the prey in a Lion's game..you can still love him & let him know that you have limits & boundaries at the same time.

We worry about you because we care!

Lisa

Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive.

butterflyxo

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Posts: 2368

(07/31/08 12:24)

((((((warm cozy hugs))))))

Hope your scale is -0!!!

Lisa

Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive.

Just Ol Ma

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Posts: 756

(07/31/08 20:35)

Talia, as an addict he goes on with his 'other life', you live yours, the one that includes the world around you and the people you love.

You can do some things to try to encourage him to quit without ever saying the words...memories have powerful impact...try to leave anything that would generate guilt in him behind, he's gonna have enough of that anyway...matter of fact that is probably a lot of why he 'picks' at you, it helps him avoid his own short comings.

Hoping for brighter days for you and yours.

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