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People choose how they want to face challenges and changes in their lives. When I quit doing dope, I knew it was going to change me for the better. I did not sit around dwelling on the fact that I was a mess, and my life was never going to get better. I got out and made the changes to make my life better.

I don't want to die doing dope, I don't feel like a prisoner trapped in the past. I look to the future, and live in today.

You can choose to be an unhappy, hopeless, prisoner of your past, or you can get up each day and be thankful that you no longer live like that. You can sit around wishing you were dead, or you can be happy you are alive, and happy that you were given another chance to get it right.

You can cry like a two year old, or put on your big girl panties and deal with it!

The choice is your's.

Well the weekend went by too fast. It is back to work now. No weird dreams that I remember. Just the usual dreamy stuff that is vaguely remembered only for a few minutes upon waking.

Today I am focused on changing my attitude toward J. I have been fairly rough on him lately, which makes him (and me) miserable.

The smart mouth of a teenager really gets to me. It is like herding turtles when you ask them to do something, and I will not put up with lieing, period.

His father and I shared a quiet life before he came to live with us. We did what we wanted when we wanted. We never argued or raised our voices. Now I feel like a different person. I feel like I am constantly bitching about something. I feel tense when J. is around. He is a very active teen. He cannot sit still or be quiet and I can't stand it!

So I set out today with a mission in my mind. One of tolerance and patience. I pray that I will be tolerant and patient, and only focus on changing myself. I want to be a good role model, and to pick my battles appropriately. I want to give this teen the love he deserves, without expecting perfection. He is, afterall, a work in progress, as am I.

Today is a new day. I spoke with my mother yesterday and told her of the feeling I have been having. She suggested that it could be hormonal on top of everything else. I guess it probably is. Changes are on my horizon weather or not if I am ready for them.

Entering into this next stage of my life is sad. Sad that I never had the children I so wanted. I really do understand that I was never really ready for children, and why I never had them, but that does not lessen the pain of the incompleteness I sometimes feel. I wonder what they would have looked like, and what their personalities would have been like. I know my life would have been so different if I had had children.

Now I have been blessed with the opportunity to help mold a young life, and all I can do is complain and lose my temper. This is why God gives you children when they are little and dependent upon you for their needs. It bonds the parent/ child relationship, so that when they become "know it all" teenagers, the parent can look back and remember how they once were; How they looked to you for everything, how they felt as you held them close, their baby smells, the little hands and feet. When you have that bond I suppose it makes it easier to cope with the teen years when everything goes crazy. I did not have that bond with J. I mostly feel anger and resentments. I am angry at the way he smarts off at every opportunity. I am angry at the way he never listens. I am resentful of the time stolen from his father's and my relationship.

Today I want to focus on letting go. Letting go of anger and resentment that is eating at me like a cancer. I have to let it go, or it is going to destroy me from the inside out. If I don't let go of the anger and resentments, it is going to hurt the very one I am trying so hard to love. It is also going to tear at the foundation of my relationship with T., who I do love dearly. It is going to eat me up inside and change me permanently if I cannot let it go. I feel it chipping away at my well being a bit more every day I hold onto it.

Today I let it go.

I forgot to mention that I quit smoking cigarettes in July 2005. WHOO HOO!

A flood of memories just washed over me. I was sitting here thinking of how my life is so different than it was. Then I got to thinking about B.

B. was the man I was married to when I started on the five year meth binge. He was a sweet man at first, then we started getting high on meth together. It changed both of us, and he became a paranoid, delusional mess of a man. He accused me of everything in the book. He was really sick with it. He would grill me for hours on end. Wanting me to confess things I had not done.

I remember sitting on the boat dock one afternoon crying as our "friends" drove off in their boat. I knew I would have to face the monster I lived with and all his paranoid fury. He had threatened to destroy my property, my home. kill my pets, and finally he got to the point he was threatening me. It was the lowest point I ever felt in my lifetime. Watching them drive away I felt the most alone that I had ever felt before or since.

I cried out for God to help me. I literally fell to my knees on that boat dock and begged for help. The very next day he pulled me out of the car as I was trying to leave. He threatened me again. Just at that time a neighbor pulled onto our property, and I ran for the phone. I called the sheriff's dept. Long story short he went to jail, and I packed my things and moved out that night. I divorced him, yet still continued to spiral out of control with meth for the next several years.

It was not until later that I asked for God's help again. He was there for me waiting.

Belonging

What does it mean to belong? I never fit in with any one group, and have alwys felt I could mix with any group as needed. I have had white trash friends, friends of color, social climber friends, friends of all classes. I never felt like I fit into any of those groups.

Now I know I am not unique. I am not some social outcast, or a brown-noser. I fall somewhere in the middle. Middle class, middle of the road, not stunningly beautiful but certianly not ugly, I drive a middling car, I live in a middling home, I have a midding job. I guess I am pretty much at the top of the bell curve when it comes to being average.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing at recovery web-sites. I certianly am recovering from many years of drug abuse, but I was not abused or neglected as a child, my parents did not introduce me to drugs, I am not suicidal, I was never raped or molested. I have a very average up-bringing. Actually it was better than average.

I feel like I cannot relate to a lot of the people because, compared to what they endured, and the reasons they used drugs, I am so very average and do not have a horror story to share. I really had no good reason to spend as many years as I did using alcohol and drugs. I just made bad choices. I chose not to fit in anywhere. I brought it on myself.

Where do I belong? I am still figuring that out.

I got through the weekend without murdering anyone. J. has started back to baseball practice so that's good news. He is not hanging around me and his dad all the time. I love BB season!

Yesterday was T.'s b-day. Had a wonderful strawberry cake I bought for him. I know, a store bought cake! Heaven forbid! That's almost as sacrelige as store bought fish! He loved it.

I haven't been sleeping too good for a couple of weeks now. I can't breathe out of my nose when I lay down. This keeps me waking up all hours of the night and then I am tired during the day. To top it all of I had a headache from hell today. I am pretty sure it is all sinus related. I've been taking Advil and plan to take Benedryl tonight. I hope it helps me sleep.

5 years ago today I was laying in my bed at the river when I heard this terrible rumbling and the entire house started shaking. I thought terrorists had bombed the dam at Rayburn. I learned about 10 minutes later that the soace shuttle Columbia had exploded over East Texas. If I had been outside I would have seen it.

RIP Columbia Crew

Also 5 years ago I was still doing dope and dating a loser. My, oh my, how things have changed in five years!

Thanks Lax. You are invited to have a look into my tiny, twisted mind whenever you want.

My problems really are not very big in the scheme of things. I really do have so much to be thankful for, and I prefer to focus on the good in my life. Actually I was looking over my list of changes and most of them are good things, not bad.

I have an inspirational calender on my desk, and some days it speaks directly about what issues I may be facing. Every one of us could benefit from more inspiration, and less negativity. I try so hard to be a better person every day. I fail a lot of times, but I still wake up every day and try again. I keep stumbling over problems that I really want to conquer in myself. I keep on going, and trying, daily to get it right.

Well, J. was cut from the BB team. We don't really know why other than what he has told us. He said there were too many players this year and coach has to let some go. This is a shocker for me and his dad. He played last year, you'd think they would cut freshmen.

The very next day he announces that he has a job. A teacher's husband has a small construction company and remodels rent properties he owns. He put J. to work after school as a clean up boy. He even picks him up after school. Of course T. went and met the man to make sure all is legit. He earns 7.00 per hour. I hope he will save up his money and get the blue car fixed so he will have his own ride.

So now we are wondering if he quit bb to work for this guy??? We can't get a straight answer out of him because he lies like his mother. I am thinking of calling the coach.

Teenagers...can't live with 'em, and they can't live without us!