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1.29.08

Ten days sober. Almost out of weed again. Still waiting on that job to start or call me. Trapped at home. Sick of riding my bike. Dont miss drinking just being around people.

2.2

Day one sober. I wanted to drink earlier. I wanted to smoke earlier. The hardest thing about weed, the thing that makes it worse then alcohol, is that when I quit smoking ciggs, I used weed. So now I want to smoke at key times of the day. After a meal and before bed the most. Alcohol and weed affect me differently of course.

It wasn't really my intent to quit weed. I knew that weed was causing me problems in the past, making me unmotivated and fogging my mind. My mind is much clearer now. I was going to quit until I got a job. I talked to the owner of a construction company who told he wouldn't drug test, so I dont have that worry. I like smoking pot, I just wish I could learn moderation. I smoke pot the way I did cigarettes, and I smoked a pack a day. I'm out of pot now. I have no money. I will be out for awhile and I hate it. One thing I do (after scraping all my pipes clean for resin) is look for something else to replace it... enter alcohol.

So I drank too much that night. Way too much. I was hungover. I had a POUNDING headache. Yesterday my mom took me downtown. I brought my bike. I actually planed on drinking, in moderation. I needed to be around some of my old 'friends'. Everyday I am alone. My mom is around but that doesn't count. I haven't seen anyone or talked to anyone in days. I am very lonely and there are few ways to socialize besides in a bar. A bar where I know people.

So I rode around for about 3 hours. I wasn't just going to go in and drink the whole time. I show up at my favorite bar, but they arent open yet, although the owners truck is in the parking lot. So I ride around some more to let her open. When I come back its still closed. The owner was outside and told me they had no power. There were 2 shady people in the parking lot, one really scary looking guy giving me hard looks and then she gets in one of their cars... I knew what was going on.

It bugged me because I came downtown just to go there. She can buy drugs but not pay the electric bill apparently. Totally blew me off too. The guy in the parking lot pissed me off. I was already in a bad mood. I don't need his dirty looks. I'm no narc.

I was pretty depressed at that point, being alone and disappointed. Seeing all these pretty girls downtown made me feel worse. I went to a bar down the street. One not owned by junkies (I know, who I'm I to judge?) and drank 3 beers. Beers were 2 dollars and I had 6 dollars. I felt bad about not tipping, but I wasn't there to drink 2 beers. I would of drunken more.

So I go outside to wait for my ride, and I run into a dealer that I know, who tells me that my favorite bar might be closing. Didn't surprise me considering having no power for the weekend.

Today I did nothing as usual. I called my one friend, he didn't answer. I spent most of the day on the computer (another addiction of mine) and went for a walk in the wind and rain. I get so lonely and depressed. Its not always the alcohol I crave but the company, or atleast a place to go out of the house. I can be a stranger in a bar and feel comfortable enough. I usually don't talk to people, but I still feel less alone. Coffee shops are clicky and full of teenagers. The library is too noisy to read in.

Once I drink that first drink... I don't want to stop. That tells me I have a problem. Sometimes I feel like I have a fire in the back of my throat that only beer will quench. Water doesn't stop the voices in my head.

Quote:

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Your mom won't go to meetings right? Against her religion? Ok. When I get time, I'll see if I can find anything....Is there any chance of you moving out? Where you won't be around drinkers and/or addicts??

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okay... I don't want her to or to know if I were to, the religion doesn't play in to our lives much anymore. A chance of me moving out? I have 9 dollars to my name and Im not around any addicts or drunks...just me.

2.3

okay I know that sounds like a dumb story. It probably sounds like Im not trying at all. Im really not a total screw up. Im just not as gung ho as I was at first. As I found out, sobriety sucks. I am trying though. This will be day 2.

Tomorrow Im going to try to get ahold of that company so I can start working. I need to make some money. I need to get out of here. I just need something. I don't know what. Here I am rambling on with the same old crap. Well whatever. I haven't given up yet.

I had a dream last night. I was in an airport. It didnt look like an airport, there were no terminals or planes but for some reason I thought it was an airport. It was more like a huge indoor / outdoor mall.

I was walking around looking for a bar. All the bars I went by had menus posted and charged 6 to 7 dollars a beer, so I keep looking. I went inside a building and found a bar but it was closing. It was still daylight out though. This security was going around making sure all the bars were closed, so I went ahead of him into another big building and found an open bar. I walked in, and ordered a beer. A good beer, Sam Adams. It was less the five bucks.
I was waiting for my friend but he wasnt there yet. The guy next to me put his hat down almost in front of me and I almost picked it up but then realized it wasnt my hat. Then I woke up.

I've been trying to figure this all out. Its rare that I remember a dream. I must of been out cold to dream like that (not from booze).

Today is over. I spent the day alone again. Everyone was watching the stupidbowl. I could care less about the game. I rode my bike, I cooked food. Nothing seems much fun anymore to me.

2.5

I voted today. Yeah I'm a good citizen. That company is giving me the blow off, once again. Now the job starts on the 14th. Yeah sure Ill see what happens when I call them in 2 weeks. Its really frustrating. I did find 25 dollars in a old jacket pocket yesterday which was nice. Of course I took the money to the bar and drank. I take back what I said about not being a screw up. Atleast I can admit it. I went out yesterday, drank 2 beers (strong ones) and paid my tab. Then someone bought me another beer, I didnt want it but I couldnt say no. The thing is that I enjoyed it. I dont know how to give that up. I really dont know what to do at this point. I just cant live like this. I dont want to drink like I did before, but Im afraid I could easily get to that point. I also dont want to give up all fun.
I'm really starting to wonder if I am an alcoholic or not. I havent been doing well with NOT drinking but I can drink in moderation at times.
Maybe Im just trying to justify it because I dont want to give it up completely. The devil on my shoulder is winning at the moment. I need to find something else to do.
I'm not going to get into the thing about my mom right now. I simply dont have the mental energy.

2.7

3 days sober. I still have the urge to drink everyday. For along time its all Ive really known. Ive been helping my mom move stuff out of storage into the garage. It wa hard not to reward myself for my hard work with some beer. Im getting good at talking myself out of it. Plus Im too lazy to ride my ass to the store. Today I had to get up and go somewhere at 9. I didnt goto sleep until 3. I woke up at 7. I didnt set my alarm. My internal clock typically will wake me up if I know I have something to do. I went to meet my moms friend. It didnt go too bad. She had a really cool dog. She was a boxer and kept wanting to play. Afterward I got more stuff from storage. Between the dog, storage and lack of sleep, I am exusted. I wanted to drink earlier but that urge is gone. I havent smoked in a week. I was up late last night looking for an AA meeting near my house. If everything goes to plan and I dont chicken out, I plan on going tomorrow. Im scared to death but a part of me just wants to check it out. Ive always been quite shy in situations like this. I hope I dont chicken out. Its in the middle of the day and should only be about an hour so my mom shouldn't have any reason to question my whereabouts. Ill have an alibi as well. I hope everything goes well. Im too tired and full to even think about drinking. I would like some pot but Im doing okay without it so Ill just chill on that for now. I have a plan to get some if I want it... which I may pretty soon. I dont feel bad for smoking weed and if smoking it keeps me from drinking then Im more then happy to toke up. I dont like to think about it though because it makes me want it. I wonder how long it take until sober feels normal. I feel tense and nervous, despite being tired. I suppose if my life where in a different place I might be able to relax. I know there is no quick fix for that. No quick fix without substance that is. Yeah I know Im an alcoholic most likely. I was just thinking out loud. That's how I blog.

Thanks Bobby. I KNOW I posted last night. For some reason it wasnt here in the morning. Oh well good thing I have another blog on myspace.

2.9 random thoughts
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life


I get so lonely and depressed sometimes. I really dont know where to turn. I spend all day online most days, just to feel connected. Ill check the same boards over and over just to see if someone posted something new. I feel like a loser being online all day. I have no licence. Nowhere to go but some @#%$ bar in my town. Ive been sober 5 days today. I was going to go to an AA meeting yesterday. I wanted to check it out. I woke up too late. Im terrified to go though. I hate social situations and I need to find a way to hide it from my noisy mom. I just want to meet some new people. I thought it might be a good place to do so. We would be in the same boat. Might make me want to drink though. I just dont want to anymore. Well I do, but I dont. I dont know. My mom has all these problems that worry me. She is always in pain. I dont know how I am ever going to be able to have my own life. I doubt I will ever get laid again. Ill probably die alone and miserable. I dont even have a sex drive anymore. I feel like an old man. Porn does nothing for me. I have only like one friend I talk to on a regular basis. I havent seen him in a week. Maybe well hang out on the weekend. My social life is online and Im starting to piss people off there too. I want to f$#%^ drink so bad. I want to smoke pot too. I didnt give that up, Im just out. Maybe I can trade my neighbor golfballs for weed. I hate asking him too much. Especially considering Im his connection. I know he has another connect now which is good for me. Its harder for me now that I cant drive. I dont even miss my drivers licence that much anymore. Where the hell am I going to go. I haven't stepped foot on a bus. I really should figure out how to get around. Going places alone sucks. I wish I had someone to hold. I wish I had someone to hold me. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I wish I wish... whatever. Sometimes I wonder what the point is. Why am I here? Whats my purpose? Do I even have a purpose? Is there even a meaning life or are we just floating around on this big blue rock for no f**** reason? Is there a heaven and hell? If there is where am I going. Maybe its something totally differnt. Maybe Im already dead and my whole life is one big f**** dream. Wouldn't that be crazy?