As I approached my third year this February 13....I felt as though I was going through a self-realization phase. I mean, all of a sudden, my mind came awake and I thought about how my behaviors and thought life have changed since my last hit.
When I go out and happen to run into someone, that I know from experience, is spun....I often look at them with a silent observer now. Meaning, I just observe them without saying a word, as if they are some science specimen that I am studying.
It's eerie now, to even think that I once looked, talked and behaved like that tweaker that I see in front of me. Since, I really don't know in all full honesty how I talked or behaved, when I was a tweaker....I only have what I observe today and what my daughters say to go on.
What's clearly amazing, is that just a few months ago, if I ran into a tweaker, I would still feel as though I was bonded to that world, or in some ways still feel like a tweaker. I hated that, as I have tried so hard to run from that world and the dope, why would I allow myself to still feel like a tweaker.
This haunted me for so long.....and every time I fell into this line of thinking, I would feel as though I was dirty still. Would unconsciously take showers on my return home, out of an attempt to get clean again....to wash that shame away, I am guessing the shower business was just that. I simply and purely wanted no ties between me and them, who I grew to hate, at all.
Just the other day, I was at the grocery store......and this dude walked by, all spun out and looked like hell took him for a joy ride through it's deepest cavern. My new way of thinking allowed me to feel compassion and wishing he was in my shoes, so he could feel the freedom from his meth addiction as I get to.
For once in my life, I found that I no longer have to allow shame and feeling dirty to enter in to my brain, in order to deminish or destroy my new beginnings and rebirth of my child like innocence. I came home, still feeling proud of where I am today and still felt clean.....and life doesn't get better than that!
Anyway......is there anyone else at their three year anniversary that is going through this? Or, does anyone remember going through this when they were at their three year anniversary? Just wondering if this is a natural phase of recovery for us at this point of time or is it just me going through it all on my own.
When I go out and happen to run into someone, that I know from experience, is spun....I often look at them with a silent observer now. Meaning, I just observe them without saying a word, as if they are some science specimen that I am studying.
It's eerie now, to even think that I once looked, talked and behaved like that tweaker that I see in front of me. Since, I really don't know in all full honesty how I talked or behaved, when I was a tweaker....I only have what I observe today and what my daughters say to go on.
What's clearly amazing, is that just a few months ago, if I ran into a tweaker, I would still feel as though I was bonded to that world, or in some ways still feel like a tweaker. I hated that, as I have tried so hard to run from that world and the dope, why would I allow myself to still feel like a tweaker.
This haunted me for so long.....and every time I fell into this line of thinking, I would feel as though I was dirty still. Would unconsciously take showers on my return home, out of an attempt to get clean again....to wash that shame away, I am guessing the shower business was just that. I simply and purely wanted no ties between me and them, who I grew to hate, at all.
Just the other day, I was at the grocery store......and this dude walked by, all spun out and looked like hell took him for a joy ride through it's deepest cavern. My new way of thinking allowed me to feel compassion and wishing he was in my shoes, so he could feel the freedom from his meth addiction as I get to.
For once in my life, I found that I no longer have to allow shame and feeling dirty to enter in to my brain, in order to deminish or destroy my new beginnings and rebirth of my child like innocence. I came home, still feeling proud of where I am today and still felt clean.....and life doesn't get better than that!
Anyway......is there anyone else at their three year anniversary that is going through this? Or, does anyone remember going through this when they were at their three year anniversary? Just wondering if this is a natural phase of recovery for us at this point of time or is it just me going through it all on my own.
She carries her dreams. Man, you ought to see her fly!
